Note: I wrote this in December, 2012, three months after I moved to the beach in California. I share it today because the themes are the same today as I navigate my way on the Heart Sparks Road Tour.
“This is the place of creative incubation. At first, you may find nothing happens there. But, if you have a sacred place and use it, take advantage of it, something will happen.” Joseph Campbell
With all of the posts and photos of me in this beautiful dream-come-true life, I have friends writing, asking me how am I REALLY doing. And I have to admit, every day is not a walk on the beach. Well, on one hand it is, because Laddy and I do walk on the beach at least once every day. But some days I’m not as willing or able to enjoy the beauty of the walk.
My original vision that got me here is not the life I want to live. This is the only thing I know. I don’t know what I do want, or how I want to be serving in a bigger way. And this not knowing can be mighty uncomfortable.
Some days my focus shifts to how hard it is to live in a place where I don’t know many people. Some days I wonder if this is really the place for me. Some days I feel so lost without a true direction, a solid plan, a clear answer to what I’m doing here.
And when it gets really uncomfortable, I scan Craigslist, thinking that finding a house will solve my troubles.
And then I breathe and laugh at myself, and see how easy it is for me to think that doing something else will alleviate the real feelings. Sure it will, for a time. But, bottom line, I need to feel what I’m feeling and dive even deeper into the discomfort to find ways to be OK with it. Only then will I move through and find myself on the other side.
When I’m able to step back and then in again, I see what a gift I am giving myself, living here with very few obligations, commitments, stressors. I don’t have to work 40 hours a week, my rent is affordable and the view is fantastic.
I have created this amazing opened space to dream new dreams, discover new why’s and really fall in love with myself and my life.
And so each week I engage in some new activity and do something to connect with people who enjoy what I enjoy. I went to a yoga and writing workshop. I attended an amazing kirtan concert. I even feasted at an all-you-can-eat crab feed.
And each experience sheds some light into the unknown, sparks a dream I have forgotten, reminds me what I do love to do.
Every day I watch the tide roll in, all the way up to the rocks, then retreat back into the ocean. Clouds gather in the sky, hiding the sun, then spread and float, breaking into blue. I know this is the rhythm of living, up and down, in and out. And I know that when I come back to here, this moment, this single in breath and out breath, I am exactly where I need to be and that I have everything I need.
And so each day, my focus is simply to pay attention. To notice the beauty around me and follow the energy of each moment. To sleep if I am tired and walk when I feel stuck. To feed myself what I am craving and seek out companionship when I am lonely. To laugh at my old patterns and catch myself when I feel the impulse to run. To lean deeper into being still and uncomfortable and keep breathing, feeling my way through. Only then will I hear the whisper of new questions and be willing to follow them to discover the answers.
How do you move through the uncomfortable? I’d love for you to share your experience by clicking on the Comments below.
Don’t miss another post. Get your own Heart Sparks in your inbox by signing up in the box on the right.
Reading your blog this morning, I just have to tell you what an inspiration you are! To be that in tune with your inner light, to be able to laugh in the face of uncertainty and discomfort, to truly believe that there is a path out there just waiting for you to find it… it reminds me to trust my inner voice, and to slow down to really see the beauty that surrounds us always. Thank you for starting my day wiht your insightful and challenging words. You have made a difference in this one life!
Francesca, I am so very delighted to hear that my story inspires your story. When we see the outer beauty, we can then see our inner beauty. Keep your eyes and heart open!
Hi Ruth: I loved reading this today. I can relate to what you share. For about 10 years now until the past year or two I was on a similar unknown knowing journey. Though I wasn’t able to relocate -I pulled out of so many familiar things. I still went to work until I quit and felt that part of me dissolve – that piece that was identified as this successful office worker on her way up. I am blessed that only minor illness shook me to the core to wake me up. As so many anchors have been released – I’m in the space of knowing yet – always knowing that I’m not sure what the next move will be.
Lynne, thank you for sharing this. It’s comforting to know I am not the only oneon this unknown knowing journey.
Depending on the tenor of my unknowing, I reach for the dark chocolate or go into “my room” to my chair and do my meditation/reading/prayer ritual or go to a movie or go to one of my 3 “special places”outside my home and take my journal or I recall what the Gestaltists call “the fertile void” where it feels as if nothing is happening, but that’s not so or some or all of the above. Oh yes, and sometimes I remember to reach out to a trusted loved one physically here on the planet or moved on. Crying is good, too, as amongst other things, it releases the negative chemicals produced by the brain. Love and hugs from the desert to you and all.
Thanks Ruth for your courage, vulnerabilty and honesty. Say yes to all. Go within and like you, I am focusing on that which gives me joy and lightness. Slowly uncovering and removing that which I don’t need and finding that which I do need. Hold on, the journey is the destination. Namaste
Joy, these are wonderful options for getting more intimate with the uncomfortable. Thank you for sharing! Love and hugs from the ocean back to you!
Yes, it’s the journey… and what a wonderful ride when I remember that a ride can’t be all up, or all down but is constantly shifting, rising, falling, changing…
This is beautiful, inspiring and speaks to my own very different and yet shockingly similar experience (how can that be?! 🙂 ) This, I take with me into the scary territory I have committed to (mostly inside myself) at the transition of the new year:
“To laugh at my old patterns and catch myself when I feel the impulse to run. To lean deeper into being still and uncomfortable and keep breathing, feeling my way through. Only then will I hear the whisper of new questions and be willing to follow them to discover the answers.”
Thank you, Ruth. I really love this generous sharing of your journey.
Michelle, thank you! It is so reassuring to know that my words speak for so many others. We are not in this alone!
Ruth,
Thank you for these heartfelt thoughts. I am in the uncomfortable now and am struggling to ‘move through’. My nature is to pull back, not to move through. Talk about a scary edge
“I need to feel what I’m feeling and dive even deeper into the discomfort to find ways to be OK with it. ‘
WOW.
My commitment to me for the new year is certainly to focus and pay attention – to what is going on around me and to my inner feelings. To skip the glossing over and to move through.
I so love the journey you are sharing with us.
Billie, I remember the day that I chose to stop avoiding the feelings and embraced the idea of leaning in. If it gets too hard, I lean out and breathe… in and out… it’s the only way through…
For the first time in my life I feel as if not knowing is the exact right place to be and that each next step is unfolding in that not knowing. Without expectation there is no wrong step and yet each seems to be leading me in a focused direction – one that I did not consciously choose until it plopped itself in front of me and said: “This. Now.” Interesting way to live one’s life. New. Feels a bit shakey logically but I’m not living by logic these days. I’m following my intuition. Completely. What a ride!
Yes, Tammy, YES! one single step, one conscious breath….